Shopping!
by Dark Side Luke
Summary: Luke goes shopping for the first time in his life. Can you imagine him shopping? No? Well I did! Here is the weird result. UPDATE: Han has to buy food as well. Can he do it? Read and find out!
1. Luke's Adventures in Shopping

Shopping! By Dark Side Luke  
  
Summary: Luke goes shopping for the first time and he looks really, really stupid while he does it.  
  
A/N: Keep in mind, folks, that this is humor and no one can be as thick headed or whipped as Luke is in this story. Luke is my favorite character and it's fun to make him look really stupid. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
The sun shone through the windows of Luke's apartment, causing him to open his eyes to a new morning. He looked beside him and saw Mara was gone. He frowned in puzzlement before getting up and getting dressed.  
  
He plodded to the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and caught sight of a note on the counter. He picked it up and read it, since that was what he usually did with notes.  
  
Luke,  
  
Gone to a friend's. Be back tomorrow.  
  
Mara  
  
He shrugged and flipped the note over, surprised to see more writing.  
  
P.S. Can you go shopping today? The fridge is empty. Thanks.  
  
He frowned again, running his hand through his blonde hair. He walked to the refrigerator and opened it, seeing a box of baking soda, a can of SPAM, and a bottle of ketchup. He closed the door and opened the cupboards, seeing nothing but an empty box of crackers. He closed them and tried to think out the situation.  
  
There had to be a way to get through the day without having to go shopping. There had to be something! He opened the fridge door again and saw he same contents as before. He stomach growled in anticipation of breakfast.  
  
He grabbed the can of SPAM and used the small key on the bottom of the can to open it. He looked in at the contents, frowning once more.  
  
Could he really eat the stuff?  
  
He shrugged and placed the can on the counter, walking over to the stove and turning on one of the burners, placing a pan on top of it. He waited for the pan to eat before dumping the SPAM in.  
  
After it was cooked, he cut it into pieces and slowly ate it, wincing with every bite. Why, in the name of Ben Kenobi, was he eating SPAM? He shuddered, imagining better foods.  
  
When he was done, he smiled to himself. He had cooked breakfast without having to go shopping. So much for Mara's idea.  
  
However, he didn't have anything else to eat for the rest of the day.  
  
He shrugged to himself and walked into the living room. He had been meaning to start a diet anyway.  
  
***  
  
Luke's stomach growled at about midday. He tried to ignore it, but after the fourth or fifth time, he couldn't take it anymore. He finally built up the courage to go shopping, but not before checking the cupboards and the fridge once more for any food he might have missed.  
  
Luke had never gone shopping before. Mara had always done it for him, since he was always busy with the Jedi academy and other such affairs. He climbed into his ship and wondered where a good place to shop was. He didn't even know where the grocery stores were. He decided to fly around Coruscant until he could find one.  
  
After an hour of passing hundreds of grocery stores, reluctant to park and actually start shopping, he finally chose one and parked his ship, stepping out and entering the store via the automatic sliding doors.  
  
People crowded the aisles, blocking the exits and checkouts. Luke decided this place had way too many people in it and was about to turn around, when more people bustled in the door and pushed him farther into the store. Luke tried, but escape seemed impossible. He sighed and grabbed the last cart, determined to get this over with.  
  
"Hey, pal, that's my cart you stole!" a large, very large, man said, stepping in front of Luke and grabbing the cart.  
  
"I'm sorry, sir," Luke said. "But I grabbed this cart first. I'm sure you'll find another one." He tried to steer around the man.  
  
"It's my cart." The man loomed over him, an imposing figure. "What are you? Some kind of devil worshipper?" the man asked as he took in Luke's clothes, which were his usual black.  
  
Quickly, Luke used the Force and persuaded the man that it was his cart. The man nodded dumbly and sauntered off to harass some other shopper. Luke sighed and wiped his brow. Close one, he thought.  
  
Luke stopped in front of the produce section, looking over the different types of vegetables, trying to remember what Mara usually bought. What did she usually buy? Did he ever eat what she did buy? Did he want to eat it again? He shook his head when sudden realization came over him.  
  
He was in control. He had total say over what food they had for the week. The thought made him very pleased and he decided to walk right past the produce and into the meat section.  
  
He looked over the choice cuts of meat, trying to think which would be best for a good barbecue. He could invite Han and Lando over and they could all barbecue! They could make a great party out of it. He couldn't remember the last time they had all gotten together and had fun. There get togethers usually revolved around mass chaos and destruction. He shuddered as he thought of the time Leia caught Han and himself playing hockey with Leia's manuscript and umbrellas. (A/N: That happens at the end of See De Frisbee! I never actually wrote it though...)  
  
He picked up several pieces of delicious looking meat and through them in his cart, smiling contentedly. This wasn't so bad. He could make a habit of grocery shopping. He wondered if this many people came to shop every week.  
  
He pushed his cart along the aisles, apologizing to people he bumped into as he looked at the contents of the store. He stopped dead in his tracks in front of a giant display of candy.  
  
Candy! Mara hadn't bought him candy since they were dating. He was practically a health nut now. He had forgotten what candy tasted like, except for the occasional piece he ate when Mara wasn't looking. The display held a product called "Super Happy Atomic Sugar Bombs." He had to shut his mouth to keep from drooling.  
  
He threw in five or six boxes of Super Happy Atomic Sugar Bombs and continued on, stopping at the ice cream section. He couldn't believe his luck! Did they always sell ice cream and candy so close together? Was it legal? Didn't health nuts like Mara petition this kind of thing?  
  
He looked around but saw no protesters. He opened the freezer door and peeked in, wondering which flavor he should choose. There were so many! He hadn't even heard of half of these flavors. Butterscotch? What was that? (A/N: Like really. Who hasn't heard of butterscotch? Luke needs to get out more.)  
  
He thought about which flavor to choose for a good ten minutes and by then, he was very cold for having stood in the freezer for that amount of time. He finally threw a bucket of vanilla into his cart and walked over to the checkout, having gotten every item on his mental shopping list, which he added to as he went along.  
  
The line was long, but Luke was patient. He hummed songs to himself to pass the time, and eventually he made it to the counter and placed his items on top of it. The clerk passed the barcodes of his food over the small laser built into the counter, causing the prices to present themselves on a small LCD screen. Luke was amazed. He had thought he was going to have to add the total himself and just hand his money over to the clerk.  
  
"That'll be thirty-two credits, sir," the young clerk said.  
  
Luke pulled his wallet out and revealed the credits within: a single twenty- credit bill. He looked down at the food then up at that clerk, biting his lip.  
  
"You'll have to leave some of the food, sir, if you can't pay for all of it," the clerk said. He sounded bored and had a look about him saying he didn't care.  
  
What would Luke sacrifice? He looked down at the meat. That could be used for a party with all his friends. A party he deserved, he thought. He looked down at the candy. He hadn't had candy in ages! But, what would Mara say if he brought all of that home? He looked at the ice cream. How he loved ice cream! Oh the choices! The pain of having to choose!  
  
He finally made up his mind and paid the clerk.  
  
***  
  
Mara opened the door to Luke's apartment, wondering if Luke actually did the shopping like she had requested. She hadn't realized Luke had never gone shopping before until she was at her friend's house. But of course, Luke would be fine. He could take care of himself. He was a Jedi master! He had saved the galaxy and restored balance to the Force! She hated hearing that story over and over again.  
  
Luke was sitting in the living room, watching the television and eating something from a box. He looked over at Mara and smiled.  
  
"I went shopping," he declared. "It was fun." He turned back to the television to watch his cartoons. The smile on his face was broad.  
  
"I'm glad you did," Mara said, walking into the kitchen to get a snack. She opened the fridge door and saw a few buckets of ice cream, slightly melted, sitting there. She arched an eyebrow.  
  
"Luke, when did you get ice cream?"  
  
"Yesterday," came the reply. "I tried to figure out which flavor you'd like."  
  
Mara shook her head and opened the cupboard door. Boxes of Super Happy Atomic Sugar Bombs lined the cupboard. She frowned. Didn't he get anything healthy to eat?  
  
Luke walked into the kitchen, carrying an open box of Sugar Bombs. "I got ten boxes of that from all the money I saved from buying meat!" he said. "And a few extra buckets of ice cream. I was going to have a party but..." He shrugged.  
  
"No vegetables?" Mara asked. "No healthy food? Do you want me to get fat?"  
  
"You're not fat," Luke said, dropping his box of Sugar Bombs and slowly backing away. He shook his head. "Not fat!"  
  
"Oh, so I'm a twig, huh?" Mara advanced and Luke took another step back. "You want me to eat this junk so I can gain wait? After I've worked so hard to lose all those pounds?"  
  
"What pounds? You're not skinny!"  
  
"So I AM fat?" Mara poked him in the chest, hard, and knocked Luke down. He crawled away, a look of panic on his face. "Now, you're going to go out and buy me some nice HEALTHY food and you're gonna like it!" She towered over him. "Do I make myself clear?" Luke nodded dumbly. "Go! Now!" Luke scampered away.  
  
After the door closed, Mara picked up the dropped box of Sugar Bombs and tasted one. "Hey, not bad," she mumbled.  
  
The door opened and Luke stuck his head in. "Can I borrow some money?"  
  
"OUT!" Mara yelled. Luke slammed the door and Mara heard him running down the hall. She sat on the couch and watch cartoons, eating Luke's sugar bombs.  
  
It was nice to have someone else do the shopping for a change.  
  
~¤*THE END*¤~ 


	2. Han's Shopping Experience

Shopping! 2 by Dark Side Luke

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, or any of the Star Wars characters…except for this Luke Skywalker action figure on my desktop. Isn't that right Luke?

Author's Note: Once again, I realize that Han has probably gone shopping at least twice in his life. That's a minimum. Anyway, everyone's sort of out of character. And to Lady Croft: No, they're not stoned. They are just really, really dumb.

Han Solo looked in exasperation at his wife, Leia. He opened his mouth to form words, but could not find the correct words to say and he forgot how to work his jaw in shock.

"Sh-Shopping?" he asked after several moments. Leia nodded.

"We need food," she said, handing him a list of items. He took it in numb fingers, not sure what else to do. "Without food, we can't eat. We don't eat, we starve."

"I know how it works!" Han retorted. "But…why me? Why can't you go?"

"I have a speech to write," she said, turning around and walking to her cluttered office. Han had always seen Leia as an organized person, but after marrying her, he found she didn't quite know the definition of the words "filing system."

"Take Chewie if you want," she continued without turning to look at him. She stopped and touched her chin, as in thought. "Take Luke too. He's been shopping before. He told me all about it once. He seemed so excited about it…" She muttered into incoherence.

Han stood there for several moments, shocked and appalled. What if one of his buddies saw him at the grocery store? It'd be embarrassing. But, then again, he'd wonder how one of his friends saw him there without going there themselves.

Maybe shopping wouldn't be THAT bad…

~*¤*~

Luke sat on the couch of his apartment, watching cartoons (he had recently discovered anime), when someone knocked on his door. He sighed in resignation and tried to stand up and found that he couldn't stand up.

The knocking came again, louder this time, and Luke tried to concentrate, tried to block out the anime, the jokes, the knocking, and concentrated on the Force. He levitated himself off the couch.

"Luke, you're not levitating in there, are you?" It was Han.

"Uh…No," he replied, walking to the door. "You know a Jedi should never use his powers for lazy purposes." He opened the door and saw Han leaning against the wall across the hall. Chewbacca stood nearby, combing something out of his fur.

"It never stopped you before," Han replied. "C'mon, we're going shopping."

"But I –," Luke started, pointing at the blaring television behind him.

"Nope. Let's go." Han motioned to Chewie, who stepped forward and grabbed Luke, easily picking him up and carrying him down the hall. Luke could only see Han closing the apartment door and following.

"Not shopping again…" Luke muttered.

~*¤*~

The _Millenium Falcon _landed in the parking lot by a grocery store of which Luke had not visited previously. The three shoppers stepped out of the old freighter and headed for the store.

Chewie growled something and Han said "Sorry Chewie, but I didn't see any closer parking spots. That's as good as I could get."

The Wookie pointed to a spot right in front of the giant store. Han shrugged and Luke sighed.

The automatic doors slid open and revealed that the store was next to empty, much to Luke's surprise. He had thought all grocery stores were busy all the time. His eyes opened wide in shock.

"All right!" Han said. "There's no one to see us! Let's grab a cart and buy whatever the heck's on this list." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and inspected it closely. "Right, bread." He pointed ahead dramatically. "To the bread section!"

Luke, holding the handles of the shopping cart, looked up at Chewie. The Wookie shook his head and shrugged and Luke laughed. They followed Han to the "bread section" and were surprised that there wasn't one. They scratched their heads and looked around, confused.

"How do you buy bread without a section devoted to it?" Luke asked aloud. "I mean, there are different kinds of bread. You need lots of space for lots of bread!" Han nodded his agreement, equally baffled.

Chewie said something pointing to a sign hung up on the ceiling. It read: "Bakery" with an arrow pointed to their right.

"It's worth a try," Han said, walking in the direction the sign had directed them.

They arrived in a small bakery, surrounded by the wonderful aroma of baking bread. They walked up to the counter and waited to be served.

Luke sniffed the air, inhaling the delicious air. "I guess this means we're in the right place."

An older human woman walked up to the counter and smiled brightly. "How can I help you gentlemen?" she asked.

"We need bread," Han replied. Luke and Chewie nodded.

"Wonderful. What type of bread do you need?"

Han, dumbfounded, turned to look at Luke and Chewie. They shrugged, just as confused.

"Does it say what type on the list?" Luke asked. Han inspected the list again and a look of dread appeared on his face.

"No," he mumbled. "What if I get the wrong kind? Leia might have a fit!"

"Please, bread is bread," Luke said, stepping up to the counter. "What's the most popular type of bread you have?" he asked the woman.

She arched an eyebrow. "Popular bread? All bread is popular. It depends on the person."

"See? See?" Han asked on the edge of panic. "I could make a big mistake! My marriage could collapse! I could –,"

"We'll take a loaf of white," Luke said to the woman, who nodded and went to get a loaf. She came back with a paper bag containing the bread and handed it to Luke.

"What's next?" Luke asked Han. Once again, Han inspected the list.

"Um…It says milk," Han replied. Chewie looked over his shoulder and let out an interrogative growl. "You're right," Han said. "We could get the wrong type of milk too. This is worse than the bread!"

They walked to the dairy section (it actually had a section!) and stood in front of the different types of milk, wondering what type to purchase.

"Well Luke?" Han asked. "Any bright ideas this time?" Luke shrugged.

Chewie grabbed a carton of milk and showed it to Han. Han grabbed it and read the label.

"Goat's milk? Give me a break, Chewie," he said, placing the carton back on the shelf.

Luke's eyes suddenly widened and he grabbed a brown carton off the shelf. "This is it! Everyone loves this stuff!"

"What is it?" Luke showed Han the carton and Han smiled lopsidedly. "Chocolate! That's a great idea! Everyone loves chocolate milk!" (A/N: If you don't I question your sanity…) They threw the carton into the cart, puncturing it, before putting it back on the shelf and grabbing another one, leaving before anyone could notice.

"That was easy," Luke commented. "Now what?"

Han glanced at the list and nodded, placing it back in his pocket. "Eggs," he said. "Eggs only come in one type…right?" Luke shrugged, pointing at the nearby section devoted to eggs.

"Chewie, grab some eggs," Han said, looking down one of the nearby aisles. "We're almost done this stupid list."

Chewie stood in front of the eggs, quite shocked that there were so many kinds. What happened to only one type of eggs? He grabbed the most expensive kind, thinking they were probably the best. He placed them carefully in the cart.

Luke took the handlebar of the cart once again and pushed it down the aisles, occasionally running and jumping onto it, letting his momentum drive him down the aisle. He suppressed a whoop of joy.

"Luke!" Han called. "We're done here! Let's go!" Luke frowned and sagged his shoulders, pushing the cart to the checkout counter.

They placed the items on the small conveyor belt so the young male cashier could swipe them over the small laser to add up the total amount of credits.

"Woah…" Han muttered. "I thought I'd have to add this up."

"Amazing, huh?" Luke said. "It freaked me out the first time I saw it too."

"I guess I don't need this then," Han said, pulling a calculator out of his pocket. He shrugged and handed it to Chewie, who put it in his utility belt.

"And the total is fifteen credits," the clerk said. Han reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten-credit bill. "Um…Luke?"

"I don't have my wallet," Luke said. "When you took me from my house, I didn't have time to get it."

Han shot a glance at Chewie, who shook his head, saying he didn't have pockets for a wallet anyway.

"Well what the hell good is that belt if you're not going to use it?" Han snapped. Chewie showed him the calculator and Han shot his hands in the air in resignation.

"Let's get rid of the most expensive item then," Luke suggested. "I'm sure Leia could pick it up later."

"Yeah, good idea," Han replied. He turned to the clerk. "What's the most expensive thing here?"

"The caviar is pretty expensive…"

"I mean on this counter."

"Oh…the eggs."

"Get rid of those then. Who needs eggs anyway?"

"I'm not a big fan of eggs myself," Luke said.

"The total comes to nine credits," the clerk said.

"Six credit eggs?" Luke asked, looking at Chewie. The Wookie shrugged once again.

After going back to the _Falcon _and dropping Luke off at his apartment, Han and Chewie went home to tell Leia of their magnificent adventures in shopping.

"Where's the eggs?" she asked. "I put eggs on that list, didn't I? Where's the list?"

"I, uh, threw it away when I was done shopping," Han lied, reaching a hand in his pocket and holding the list. "And I don't think eggs were on there." His eyes darted across the room, looking for an escape.

"Oh well," Leia said. She looked through the bag and pulled out the chocolate milk. "Han! Chocolate milk! How did you know? I was secretly hoping you'd bring some home!" She hugged him tightly and he smiled lopsidedly.

"Well, y'know, you learn to pick up on these signals," he said.

He smiled again.

~*¤*~

"And she didn't say ANYTHING about the bread!" Han said over the phone to Luke, who was watching cartoons on the couch again. "I'm a natural at shopping! I'm going next week. Wanna come?"

Luke frowned, remembering how Mara had come so close to beating Luke senselessly for not buying vegetables. He had to go shopping twice – twice! – just to get what she (and he, he thought after a while) needed. How could Han have gotten so lucky? 

"Yeah…sure. I'll go."

~*¤THE END¤*~


End file.
